The Third Level of Stupid
by HungryPanda13
Summary: Oneshot. The relationship between a marine and a pirate is stupidity epitomized. But reason means nothing in the madness of fiery passion as Smoker comes to realize. Especially when it involves Ace. SmoAce.


Source of cover page: www . pixiv member_illust . php?mode=medium&illust_id=23450017

A/N: One one-shot down, like, a whole bunch more to go! Hope people like this Smoker x Ace snippet~ More notes from Panda-tan on her tumblr if you want to hear other stuff from her.

Warnings: Profanities, mildly explicit references to sex? (Panda-tan personally thought they were pretty tame compared to other smut stuff she's pathetically trying to practice)

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, it belongs to Oda-sensei. If I owned it, it'd be one big orgy of all my otps.

* * *

Captain Smoker has figured out that, in the grand scheme of things, there are three levels of stupid.

First, there is just stupid and something that would fall under that category is the idiotic mugiwara captain who causes more problems than a drunk den den mushi on steroids without actually breaking any laws other than disturbing civil order and letting fugitives join his crew among maybe a few other legitimately illegal things.

Then, there is really stupid. Chasing after said idiotic captain all over the Grandline to cuff the damn kid and toss him into a cage so he can't cause anymore mayhem when he's got thousands of other nastier, morally unhinged bastard pirates to haul into Impel Down or other prison wards pretty much summarizes this category.

And lastly, there is really, _really_ stupid and the optimal example of this is opening the cabin door late at night for a private visitor. A visitor who happens to be the elder brother of the little shit that keeps weaseling out of his handcuffs and who also happens to be a fucking pirate commander of the second division of one of the greatest pains in the government's ass on top of throwing the land and sea into catastrophic chaos with his enormous appetite and inability to pay a single fucking tab.

God help him, Portgas D. Ace is a nightmare as a pirate, a frustrating tease as a fuck buddy-

"Smokey, you're gonna get wrinkles early if you keep making faces like that. You've already got grandpa hair, no need to follow through with the rest of the aging process."

-and a major headache inducer the rest of the time.

The young Whitebeard commander has the gall to laugh as a pen hurtles harmlessly through his chest, shooting out of his tattooed back and dropping onto the ground where it melts into a gooey puddle of plastic and burnt ink. Smoker mutters a curse because now, not only does he have to deal with an annoying brat, there is a nasty stench of melted manufactured plastic in the room that he'll have to somehow explain about to Tashigi when the girl comes later to deliver her report.

Hands that are too hot to be ordinary glide over the surface of his cheeks, not quite touching yet it feels as if he's been burned anyway as a low voice purrs, "Whattsa matter Smokey? Bad day?" Portgas almost sounds like he cares except they both know the idiot will only get a kick out of whatever stunt the latest moron decided to pull today to put the marine captain into a foul mood.

Ruthlessly shoving the smirking Ace's hands away, Smoker snarls, "We agreed to not seeing each other until at least one in the fucking morning. So what the fuck are you doing here brat?" Lips that he's become far too familiar with form a pouty, insincere frown as Fire-Fist makes himself at home on Smoker's desk with a formerly neat pile of important paperwork as his cushion.

The marine captain can almost hear one of the tenuous strings holding his temper back snap cleanly in two.

Ace remains oblivious to his reddening angry face -or he's just ignoring it- as he twists his muscular torso a little and leans closer to Smoker so he can ask coyly, "You really wanna know?" He snickers as his favorite marine gives him an incredibly unamused glare and he's just in the process of opening his mouth to answer when a knock on the door has both of them freezing in place.

"Captain Smoker, it's Tashigi here to report sir."

Hissing at the idiot on his desk to hide, Smoker resists the urge to groan when Ace slides noiselessly off only to slither just as silently under it which is hardly the hiding place Smoker was thinking of much less wanted him to use after the last near-catastrophic time Ace was down there. But if he holds off responding any longer, Tashigi will get worried and will probably charge into the room with her sword drawn, trip, swing her blade as she falls, and if he is lucky, she will only cleave his desk in two while missing the paperwork.

Yeah, best to leave well enough alone.

He casts one more warning glare at the silently laughing moron under his desk before calling gruffly, "Come in Tashigi." It's pleasing to see her actually walk in without tangling her klutzy feet together and breaking the door for once, especially since she's done that every time she walked in for the past three weeks and it's gotten to the point that it's not even mortifying filing for the nth number door replacement among other reparations in the spending accounts.

As she pushes her glasses up so it rests more professionally on the bridge of her petite nose, Tashigi straightens up into a stiff formal posture with square shoulders and begins to prattle about something along the lines of another pointless squabble between two pirate crews that some unlucky trade ship got caught in the middle of. Smoker sort of pays attention, enough at least to know this shit is a waste of time. The rest of his attention is fixed on keeping one suspicious eye on the grinning pirate beneath his precious work space. The mischievous grin turns into a disturbingly impressive innocent expression that just makes Smoker want to punch him. The captain is no fool, he knows the shits for brain moron will do something inherently asinine if not kept under close supervision.

He furiously shoves memories of a blow job from a previous time similar to now out of his head before the heated arous- the heated rage manifests in his bland expression.

Smoker didn't enjoy that. Nope, not at all. He was fucking pissed the pyromaniac had nearly embarrassed the captain (and signed his death warrant) in front of his _friggin' superior_ that time. But even as he pointedly tries to forget about the horrific incident, his traitorous mind scampers off in that unfortunate direction much like Portgas does for meat or food in general.

"-and regarding reparations, the assaulted merchant demands the immediate arrest of the pirate crews involved as well as payment for his lost goods and..."

Tashigi's voice sort of melts away into the background, much like his commanding officer's did once a few months ago. Smoker can see, with irritatingly vivid clarity, sly hands stealthily unzip his pants even though they're just part of a memory. He tries to focus back on the words spewing out of his subordinate's moving mouth but it's hard when he has to argue with his own mind, deny a past pleasure as a mere unwanted assault by a greedy pirate instead of one of the hottest fucking things he's ever experienced.

He didn't like that skilled wet tongue gliding across certain sensitive spots that left tingling pressure in its wake.

"Sir?"

He definitely didn't enjoy smoldering obsidian eyes peering up at him beneath hooded lids with insatiable lust glittering and dancing in their endless abyssal depths.

"Smoker sir?"

And he most certainly did _not_ enjoy imaging himself grabbing the Whitebeard commander and throwing him onto his desk for a good old-fashioned fucking, regardless of their status quo and whoever was watching.

Whatever pitiful arguments he was trying to make against that euphoric time are lost and thrown aside. His mind is already wandering in the direction of an old daydream that consists of quivering thighs spread before him and droplets of sweat sliding across slick sun-kissed skin spread over the hard muscles of Ace's chest, dusky nipples hardening under his touch as-

"Captain sir!"

Snapping out of his fantasy, Smoker mentally curses letting himself get caught up in the same visions that were nearly his downfall last time. At least now he's fully aware that it will only be a mistake to keep pretending to be fine when his hormones are raging like he's back in the damn marine academy surrounded by immature idiots giggling over porn books.

Fuck he hates life sometimes. Or maybe just Ace. Yeah, blaming Ace is good. It means Smoker can get pissed, the idiot pyro can laugh, and then they can have a long night of rough hard sex and be rid of each other by morning.

He's not as happy about that last part as he should be. But Smoker's a pro at disregarding irritating feelings that don't involve his life being on the line so he easily deposits the peculiar abhorrence towards his one-night stand on-off relationship with Fire-Fist for all the wrong reasons into the back of his mind and focuses on getting his subordinate out because she deserves a break for her diligent work and he has an ass to fuck.

"Tashigi."

The poor girl, who has been nervously debating on whether to approach him and check to see if he's alright since he failed to respond to several of her calls, jumps a good foot in the air, glasses going askew all over again and assortment of reports in her hands getting crinkled and bunched as she squeezes them. Hurriedly getting her nerves back together, she salutes him with the wrong hand, drops a couple of papers, and squeaks, "Yes sir?"

"I'll listen to the rest of your report tomorrow. I'm not in a suitable state of mind to focus right now. You're dismissed."

She doesn't move for a moment, wavering on the border between obeying the obvious dismissal or pressing an inquiry to see if her commanding officer will be alright. But at last, she does another flustered salute, this time with the right hand, before scooping up her dropped reports and hurrying out of the room. Smoker's temper is like a lit dynamite on a good day and she's not quite accustomed to handling him on a bad day yet. Tashigi still makes a mental note to drop off some aspirin or something later with the hopes of at least alleviating some of her captain's frustration because no matter how sour he is, she still wants to do her best to support him.

The minute his office door slams shut and clumsy footsteps fade away, Smoker leans back in his seat with a long-suffering sigh that morphs into an incoherent string of curses when Ace's overly warm body slides up from beneath his desk and splays itself all over him, the exposed planes of the division commander's naked torso molding itself with familiar ease to him with his idiotically gaudy belt pressing not quite uncomfortably against the slight bulge in Smoker's pants that the marine captain can't be bothered to hide or argue against.

"Candy for your thoughts Smokey? Junior seemed to be getting excited~" One hand lightly palms his clothed erection while the other procures a round sweet hidden beneath a bubblegum pink wrapper.

Frowning heavily at the offending poisonous junk food covered in atrocious bright colors being waved in his face, Smoker growls, "I hate sugary shit. And you know damn well I don't just get hard for no fucking reason."

Lips curl into a coy smirk as Ace moves the hand teasing Smoker's erection to play with the coarse trim of the marine captain's jacket, purring all the while, "Was that a compliment Smokey?"

"Fuck no. That was me calling you a damn tease and a pain in my ass."

"But I'm the one always sporting a limp."

Ace's impish grin juxtaposes Smoker's flat scowl though there is a mutual hunger burning in both of their aroused gazes that will need to be fed soon lest they turn it into aggressive violence like an all-out brawl. Languidly straightening up, Fire-Fist is like a predatory cat, muscles rippling beneath smooth skin as he moves away to let Smoker stand. But then he's right back in the marine captain's face, heated breath ghosting over Smoker's lips due to their close proximity and filling his nostrils with the faint scent of artificial cherry as Ace whispers, "You know, I never did answer your question before your cute girlfriend interrupted us."

"She's not my damn woman. Tashigi's still just a kid."

Humming, Ace pops the candy he had been teasing Smoker with into his mouth, rolling the little ball of an offending red color expertly with his dexterous tongue. The sugary treat melts faster than its kind usually does but that's no surprise- the pyro's mouth is hot like a wet cavern of hell with a burning effect that leaves Smoker's tongue tingling and scorched with a sinfully delicious taste of the taboo.

Ace idly incinerates the wrapper in his hand, destroying any evidence of there ever being candy in the room to begin with, before grinning and there's a bit of that shark-like danger -mixed with the usual mischievous jesting- in his smile that reminds him Portgas is not just a playful brat like he frequently feigns to be.

"Good to know. Pirates don't like sharing."

Smoker narrows his eyes at the insincerely implied threat but before he can tear into the idiot commander for even jokingly alluding to doing something to his subordinate, lips are pressing against his in a surprisingly chaste kiss. Hands with a touch of warmth that seeps through even the tough cloth of his jacket curl into said fabric as Ace murmurs against his lips, "I like you Smokey. A lot." His tongue snakes past Smoker's slightly parted, surprised lips and grazes just inside his mouth, giving Smoker the barest taste of manufactured candy as well as Ace's natural spicy flavor.

The marine captain can't think of what to say in response to the admission. He knows what he's supposed to say as a defender of justice but it's pretty much moot by now since the time he first welcomed the pirate into his bedroom instead of throwing him in a cell. There are just some things that can't be denied with mere words born from duty. And thus the ensuing silence is far more telling than if he had tried to vehemently protest feeling anything more than physical attraction to the unfortunately desirable Whitebeard commander. To him at least.

Ace pulls away before he can figure out just what to do and it's hard to say if the pirate's disappointed or not by his unresponsiveness. Head lowered so that dark bangs conceal his eyes, Fire-Fist slips into one of those rare unreadable states and Smoker resists the urge to find some time machine and rewind back to that moment so that he can properly reply because that would imply he feels guilty and feelings of guilt for not giving in to a pirate's advances is treading into territory he's not sure he's ready to face yet.

"Smokey..."

The division commander's tone is little more than a remorseful murmur and whatever remaining arousal Smoker had gets killed as he never meant to hurt the normally thick-headed idiot, no matter how annoying he can get. A compromise and maybe some sort of an apology are balanced on the tip of his tongue, waiting for him to swallow his pride and say something. Gathering as much emotional honesty as he can, Smoker starts biting out, "Portgas, I-"

"I popped in to let you know that I was kinda the reason why those two pirate ships started randomly shooting at each other that Tashigi-chan was telling you about earlier. I hid out in that little merchant ship sitting in between them right in the line of fire and ate some food with the funny nice trader dude before I skedaddled. So yeah! My bad."

Smoker stares at Ace's now completely visible face, shit-eating grin looking perfectly charming beneath those childish freckles except right now, it's doing its spectacular job of pissing the fuck out of the marine captain. He's too dumbfounded to do anything more than just look at the inconceivably brain dead idiot who has that same gall from before to laugh merrily as if there's nothing wrong and all Smoker can register is the red steam of irritated fury boiling up inside him and the inexplicable relief he feels when he realizes the pyro is as energetic as usual.

Skipping over to Smoker's open window, Ace tosses him a mock salute and practically sings, "Bye Smokey~ I can't spend the night today since I got another lead on my target but I promise I'll make it up to you next time!" And like an intensely burning candle that was just snuffed out, the pirate is gone and Smoker is left with an open window, a disappointed libido, and a little piece of warmth in his chest that has nothing to do with the peeved anger from before.

Next time.

Like the brash, cocky moron Portgas D. Ace is, he just automatically assumes there will be a next time without considering any other possibilities.

Smoker can't find fault in that.

He's looking forward to next time too. And the time after that. And the time after that. And so on until one of them is dead, either by each other's hand or by some external force.

It's the third level of stupid, the most dangerous and unpredictable state of all.

_"I like you Smokey."_

But the fire has caught the smoke and they're already too entangled in each other's existence to break away now even if they're just paving the way to their own self-destruction. For now though, nothing has changed. To the rest of the world, Smoker will continue to chase the straw hats and Ace will continue his pursuit of Blackbeard. What happens in between will stay behind closed doors.

Lighting one of his cigars, Smoker diligently returns to his endless stack of paperwork. If he's going to play with fire tomorrow, best to get as much work done now. He'll worry about his raging libido later.

* * *

Owari:

Ace grins as he glides along the serene glittering surface of the sea on his beloved _Striker_, away from Smoker's ship. He'll have to find that merchant and thank him someday, for both unwittingly helping him get his favorite marine captain all riled up and for the free candy since he had been such a, "Gentlemanly young man with more manners than his own buyers,"despite eating the guy out of his entire stock of sweets.

Licking his lips, the Whitebeard commander can still taste the confection he most recently ate meshed with Smoker's acrid tobacco flavor. It's a disgusting mixture, as he'd expected. Burning away the foul aftertaste lingering in his mouth, Ace hums to himself, "Yep, au naturel is definitely the way to go~" and anticipates the moment when he can drown in Smoker's overpowering flavor until all that remains is the essence of fire and smoke entwined together.

It's a fool's love.

Pure idiocy of the utmost level.

Smoker calls it the third level of stupid.

Ace prefers to call it out for what it is: a dream. A wish for something that can never be, an addiction to the forbidden because they can't sate their desires any other way.

Greed.

Want.

Lust.

Love.

The carnal yearnings of a human, that is what makes up the last level of stupidity.

Grinning to himself, Ace lets fire roar to life near his feet, generating the necessary propulsion to speed his little raft up. He better hurry up and deal with Teach's treacherous actions first so that he can play with Smokey as soon as possible. The weather promises to have clear skies for once; he has someone who means something a bit more special than family and nakama waiting for him; and it's such a great time to be alive.

It's a great time to be stupidly human.


End file.
